At times, I vaguely wonder how my parents would react if I told them I was more interested in attending courses for art and graphic design than Law. If someone asks of me, my decision to enter the Art stream in JC , I would simply answer “I hate science, no – it’s more like I hate the theoretical based subjects that undermines the student’s analytical abilities. I love humanities, not for the subjects, but for the writing.”
I’m not sure if I could still say the same. The reason still holds true – to every last syllabus that was pronounced with such conviction and resolution – but I’ve always questioned whether it was better for me to attend some kind of art school for aspiring artists.
“Artists, they have no place in the working world,” My father always told me. “You can’t make a living off drawing.”
“But it’s my passion,” I would retort, eyes belligerent and a little disappointed by the words of the very man who had once encourage me to live up to my dream. “Didn’t you say that you need passion to work and to survive? If it’s not passion that gives us the courage to take a step forward, you would be shaming your own intelligence.”
“Have you seen any artists that made it big in the real world?”
No. Not once. Never.
My father used to love drawing when he was little.
He had little sketches of realistic human features.
He said he used to dream. He used to dream about selling his art pieces, and seeing the beauty crafted by his own hands.
I wondered why he stopped. Why didn’t he continue drawing those beautiful human portraits?
You can’t make a living off drawing…passion doesn’t count. It’s a job that pays well.
I know that. I know that perfectly well.
I vaguely remembered digging up old family albums from our storeroom and found my father’s sketchbooks. Old and tattered with years, his love for drawing portrayed with very delicate stroke of charcoal on paper, I believe he kept this passion and closed it… because life isn’t nice, society is cruel, men can’t dream, and passion isn’t worth a dime.
I still wish to see my father sketching portraits of our family.
Just a few days ago I asked to see his sketchbooks again.
“I threw it away,” he said. “I had to clear the unnecessary things from the storeroom."
posted at 9:09 PM
Chinese New Year dinner
Sunday, January 25, 2009
My life has been great... well not really, I would be deluding myself if I said so, discounting facts that my dearest family discarded me at home for gambling at Genting Highlands casino.
Me: Do you not condemn yourself in your decision to discard your youngest daughter for habitual gambling? Dad: Now, now, let's not go that. Sister: Since when were we habitual gamblers? Me: Playing family mahjong on Saturdays count too. Sister: You said it - family . It's our way of spending quality family time. Me: I don't want to hear it from you. (to Dad) Do you not condemn yourself - Sister: Stop asking Dad to condemn himself!!
I never won that family debate. I think my sister had the upper hand when she mentioned "family time", "Dad's only holiday" or maybe it was "Because you're so darn annoying, let Mom and Dad have some peace and quiet."
I've always wondered how venturing into a cigarette hazy casino with roaming tourists would actually give my parents "some peace and quiet".
Later that day... Me: Do you not (senses sister's glare from a corner) I have a valid reason this time, I swear. (turns back to father) condemn yourself for leaving your daughter with a close to empty fridge for 3 days and 2 nights? I'd be all rag and bones by the time you guys return! Sister: You already are rag and bones. Me: Shut up. Dad (in a strangely disturbing cherry tone): We have to buy food then!!
Later that day...(at the supermarket) Dad: Are you sure this is enough? (looks pointedly at the basket of cornflakes, milk, juices and bread) Me: I had a premonition. Dad: ..... Me: Something told me that I'd be too immersed with my computer to actually eat. Sister: That's why I said - you already are rag and bones. Me: And so, for the second time, shut up.
I finally understood why I'm close to suffering from malnutrition.
Sister: I already told you to get some tuna or meat! Me: I myself hate meat. Sister: But you still need proteins. Me: I only consume proteins in the form of Chicken Katsu Don which is available only in my school. Sister (looks wearily): Are you trying to extract more allowance from Dad?
Last night's Chinese New Year dinner.... Uncle Heng: AHAHAHAAA, sorry, economic recession so 30% reduction on Angbao money. (awkward laugh) Everyone: ..... Uncle Heng's wife: Alright, that's enough wine for today, dear.
3 hours later... Waitress (walks towards me with a white piece of paper on tray): Excuse me, bill. Me: DO I LOOK LIKE I'M PAYING?!! Uncle Henry: Over here!
I never understood why the waitress approached a 17 year old teen with grunge hair and mismatched red stripy shoe.
People, my friends especially, have been politely commenting on my very odd temperament. Not odd in an interesting way, but odd in the ‘abnormal’ and highly ‘eccentric’ way. I never quite listened.
I have a very low tolerance and get all fidgety and annoyed when waiting for the bus...especially Bus 77! Normally I wouldn’t blame the bus drivers as they can’t control the traffic and they most certainly can’t control the throngs of people bustling in through the doors. The only problem was the absence of crowd and traffic over at the place. So like any other fidgety Singaporean that absolutely refused to call Iris, I made a silent pact with the heavenly King up there.
“If bus 77 comes within the next 5 buses, I’d go home and study!” I thought, amidst how ridiculously futile it seemed. Bus 77 usually arrives well beyond their designated time slot – approximately 35 to 45 minutes of waiting time. I would stand there and sulk while the bus captain shot me a very nasty scowl that implied “Get on kid or I’ll shut the door with your nose in it!”
Lo and behold! Within 5 minutes, Bus 77 comes swiveling round the bend, and I was in shock.
“Wow, what a good girl!” said my mother in a spirited tone as she returned home from work, “Doing homework?”
“I’m studying,” I replied, ruffling through my Palestinian readings. “I made a pact. I told him that if my bus arrives early, I’d come home to study.”
Because I have nothing to blog about, I shall rant about the few notable things that happened during the past few days.
Starting from my teachers...
I have the most charming, blue eyes, literature teacher. A relatively good GP teacher but also the WORST Economics teacher whose English pronunciation is more dreadful than my doctor's handwriting and that's saying a lot because you take an hour to decipher my scribbling.
I had raised a few questions pertaining to International Trade and, my god, establishing a discussion with her was harder than the h2 math tutorial questions. I had asked her about A and she started rambling about B. NO, she never did answer my question. I guess I shouldn't be too demanding as a student but I'm taking my goddamn A Levels this year and it surely would not help having a teacher who doesn't know her own work and simply regurgitates from PowerPoint slides.
My Paper 4 Literature teacher is probably the most charming...wait, I've already mentioned that, haven't I?) person in school, either than my SCOL of course! xD His orbs are a gorgeous silvery blue with specks of white dusts that circled from reflections. You would be defying the laws of attraction if you denied its mesmerizing value.
...to my banded classes...
Our class wasn't dispersed. We were instead banded according to teacher's recommendations and our Promotional grades. There were many bands and different classes so we ended up in a situation similar to Square one. o_o Before I could even warm my seat, we would be moving off to another class. The only lessons we're taking together are History Tutorial, PE and SD. Ridiculous, no? It wouldn't make any difference if they had displaced our class anyway!
And why the hell did they put me in the first Band?! It's like putting a toad into a tank full of goldfishes. And considering my tendency to wander off to emo land, it's a bad idea. *goes off to grow mushrooms in a corner*
FYI: The anime guy posing so gorgeously on my layout is scanned from the notebook cover that was given to me by Mag. Thanks Mag! =)
Everything has been one big, real big, surreal blur. There's a languorous feeling clouded in my mind that threatened to sweep away, revealing the cruel, harsh fate. What's there to achieve in life. We tax our brains; we crack it real hard that piecing them bit by bit seems innately impossible. I'm not sure what I want in life. I wasn't sure. And I sure as hell can't name one - even one - aspiration of mine.
My question? Why, or rather, what am I working so hard for? I don't see anything. I don't see anything ahead of me.
My classmates, friends alike, are all nonchalant, a little pressured by the upcoming November A Levels but happy nonetheless and I'm glad that I could share their joy, even if it's only a little. I could laugh. I could smile with them. But it all fails to a heavy heart that threatened to burst each time I try. I'm trying my best. I really am. But I could only find a small girl, struggling against the insurmountable waves, tattered at the lips and torn by the heart.
I'm so afraid. I'm so afraid of unleashing this wave of trepidation; this feeling of giving up seems so close I could almost taste it in my mouth. I cried. But specks of tears have dried up, there's none left in me to cry anymore.
I don't know what I'm doing in, with my life. Everything seems so foggy.
It has been a few years now. A few years of living in this insipid prison.
Because the Rain has never - and I do mean NEVER - stepped foot into an Open House, whether Junior College or Polytechnic, she shall ungraciously bore her random readers with a not-so blow-by-blow account of her experience.
I found it rather amusing, being involved in CJC Open House when I've never bothered to attend one myself. I questioned the sanity of Editorial Club. Nobody in their right mind should EVER ask me to be involved in such whimsical or utterly redundant (whatever you call it), school functions that only served to intensify my personal distaste for the school population.
I think it's a sign - a God given sign that I'm equally damned as every other unsuspecting souls in this universe - to partake actively in the promising social bonds of the school's society. My subconscious disagrees; claimed that I ought to leave the school building before the better half of my sanity gets destroyed by the palpable failure of CJC Open House.
People poked their noses in, with a half bored half tired expression, and shot a few glances here and there, across the CCA booths. Mag and I carried on being the most unenthusiastic members of our CCA, she grabbed a school's magazine while I willingly submitted myself to the hypnotic distortion of flying shuttlecocks.
And this was how I spent my Friday afternoon. THIS was how I spent a gratuitous amount of time, roaming about the school with faces as bewildered and as confused as any other. Good heavens. 2 hours of my very short life...wasted.
This is why I never bothered attending an Open House. =.="
Let's not forget that I'm 2 days away from submitting my incomplete holiday assignments and not to mention Mag and I are supposed to attend the CJ Alumni dinner this Saturday to collect insights and reviews for our next article. The President of our CCA sent a mildly pressuring message "You two are the only ones without an article." In a nutshell: Attend the Saturday dinner or you two are fired!! That tactic would have worked if I wasn't desperately trying to like my CCA OR if I had a slightly more rational brain.
I've been working on it since 8 pm yesterday, grumbling and then cursing the troubleshooting problems of Windows Movie Maker. Mag was always there, keeping me company till the wee hours of the morning so I dedicated my first AMV to her. :D
My first New Year resolution: Make a Kanda AMV. (DONE) Second New Year resolution: Complete holiday assignments. (20% complete)
"I told you I would be abusing my new desktop," said I, furiously editing my clips and then slicing them. "It's my way of commemorating the birth of my new computer, so leave me be!"
You could almost imagine the furious looks on my parent's faces.
I'm getting bloody frustrated and grumpy over the fact that I've spent the past 4 hours downloading divX codecs, torrent files and other miscellaneous stuff which, my dear McAfee has politely popped up "Warning: Adware!". Good heavens! I'm about the one and only primitive being who installs a whole list of weird, potentially harmful programs into my new desktop. My sister said I can't be trusted with new things, shoved me away and started downloading Norton Anti Virus.
Me: I loathe and despise everything to do with technology! Sister: Are you sure you wanna say that? Me: ....Am I not allowed to? Sister: For someone who abused her previous computer and stares at the same damn screen 24/7, you sure have a lot of nerves. Me: (puffs) I'd have you know that I love my computer. Very much indeed. Sister: I don't care. Tell that to your new friend when you've unwittingly downloaded adware and viruses. Firewall can't help you now!
So yes, I'm still bloody frustrated. How in heaven's name do you create an Anime Music Video (AMV)?! I'd pay for a personal tutor if I have to! GOD DAMNIT. (inward gasp) Rain swears!
My mother finally relented (after 6 months of verbal persuasion filled in with a couple of 'bargaining chips' and nasty scowls) into letting me purchase a new, functional desktop that DOES NOT lag with every click of the mouse.
Don't get me wrong, I love my computer - my beloved companion - but its temperamental disposition was getting way too serious for a dependent user like me to handle. It once hibernated for weeks. I was in a frantic shriek. My parents frustrated and my sister annoyed. My sister said it was partly because of my constant nagging that eventually made my mom relent just so she could shut me up.
And I suspect that this old' computer of mine is getting on with the years. If it had a mouth it would most probably curse me into oblivion for I spare no thought in exhausting its Graphic Card and 1 GB ram. Sorry darling, but mommy has no choice. She desperately needs a good, high compact Graphic card and you simply wouldn't let her download a few necessary converters and programs. Your mother needs to make a video and your hard drive is barely functioning.
While I mop over the lost of my very ancient computer, my sister very sarcastically intoned, "I think this computer can rejoice liao."
"Excuse me?! Mom is gonna donate it to the old newspaper collector. How on earth can this poor thing rejoice in the course of being detached from me, its dear user?!" I cried, mortified. "Poor old computer. I'm gonna miss you dearly although you like throwing tantrums at me."
My sister twitched her nose, "Oh, no worries. You won't be missing it. The old newspaper collector wouldn't want it even if mom paid him a million bucks."
My sister then proceeded to complain to my mother about the blatant inequality in treatment. "Mommy, you buy for Rain a new computer then what about me? Our TV is barely working!"
My mother scuffed her nose into an ugly scowl, but you could see she was starting to reconsider. She gave my father a look and then at the brilliant, new glossy LCD screens that threatened to blind us with their shiny lacquered polish.
"How about getting this 32 inches TV? It's the latest model. Panel and finishes from Japan," claimed the salesperson, all fake smiles and a happy working-with-you face. "It comes with a $100 NTUC voucher."
"Not fair leh! You always dote on the younger one lor." continued my sister.
"I don't mind. Parts of the TV comes from Japan, anyway." said I, clearly beguiled by the word 'Japan'.
We bought that TV.
~~~
My family thought it was a pretty good bargain. The total was 3k plus for a 32 inches TV and a lovely desktop (which is soon to be abused by me. Yay! I can finally make my Anime Music Videos!) It was economical of course.
But in my auntie Priscilla's world, being economical or money wise doesn't fit into her dictionary. Thrifty doesn't even come close. If you look up the word 'Spendthrift' in the English Thesaurus, you'll see my aunt's picture next to it.
We met her at a mall to purchase Uncle Henry's birthday present - a jade pendant. She had lingered a moment too long in that shop for no sooner than a minute, the shopkeepers had swarm towards her like moths to a flame.
"Look at this laughing jade Buddha, the color is oh so perfect! You don't get this anywhere!" fluttered the shop auntie in her China accent.
Hell yeah, I can get that green thingy at any loitering shops for 10 bucks.
My auntie, being a little too foolish for her age, was beguiled. She stared at the jade pendant, entranced. While my sister and I exchanged bored looks. My mother pursued her lips. My younger auntie Karen shocked. I think the shopkeeper was silently rejoicing at having such a big catch.
"Show me others!" exclaimed my aunt Priscilla.
An hour later, she had purchased from the Jade shop items worth a total of $4000 (lets forget about the GST).
"DO COME AGAIN!" shouted the shopkeepers, bowing and bowing with more smiles of superficiality. My sister and I exchanged disgusted looks. My mother and younger auntie Karen were horribly mortified. I wanted to say something, but my mother kept me silent. It was her money after all.
"So, let me ask this again: Aunt Pris bought a tiny jade pendent and 3 rocks for $4000?" I raised my eyebrows.
"The rocks had little jade ornaments in them." My sister said. "They're supposed to have good fengshui."
"Yeah, but they're still rocks right?" I peered into the carrier bags. Indeed, they look nothing different from the normal rocks you kick at the sentosa beach.
My auntie, being the spendthrift she was, was simply pleased at her purchase. "Good fengshui ma!" she said, noticing the odd stares from my sister and I, and pale faces from her two sisters. "It's considered pretty cheap. I think I've made a pretty good bargain."
"For 3 rocks and a tiny piece of Jade that's smaller than the size of your palm but costs more than a TV and a desktop? Yeah, you've made a pretty good bargain alright."
Because I am bored and I have nothing better to do with my insipid life (reading manga doesn't count!), thou shall graciously do the quiz bestowed upon me by the form of one Yings.
1.Are you one of the most popular students in school? - No, popular doesn't say anything - it merely insinuates the air heads. *gasps* Rain has insulted 90% of the school's population! :O
2.Do you think you got the looks? - Hun, if I did, I wouldn't slot in photomanipulation as part of my hobbies. xD
3.When was the last time you went out with your buddies? - I don't remember....??? Yes, one can't deny the claws of ageing.
4.How many times in a week do you go out? - I have been accused of being anti-social, what do you think?
5.Do you like to be alone? - Can't you see my delicate veils of seclusion?!
6.Do you intend to be famous in the future? - Famous in what way? *shifty look* If it means being hailed as Japan's most promising manga artist/math teacher/arts designer, then yes! And let's not forget about marrying Tsuruga Ren.
7.Do you have the courage to stand infront of an audience and show them your talent? - Talent? What talent? I can scream like the ultimate fangirl if that's what you mean. Wanna hear?
8.Would you rather go to a midnight party with your friends or go to a dinner with your bestfriends? - This is a trick question! Hmm...... *looks around*
9.What's your most embarrassing moment? - ahahaa, probably staining my skirt. -shudders- Never will I wear skirts again! (Inner Rain: School uniform?!) I refuse! I absolutely refuse to wear skirts!
10.What's the best moment of your life? - FACING MY BELOVED COMPUTER! Away from the cruel world and into my manga/anime! wheee!
11. Tag 5 people to do this quiz. Do it if you want. =.= Come on, I know you want to. *nudge nudge*
I'm beginning to love Okto. Skip Beat fansubs, which was usually done free of charge by crunchyroll, has been discontinued due to the lack of funds as I've heard. Episode 13 was the last, free fansub. =/ Thank goodness we have Okto, so Episode 14 will be English subbed by our dear Singaporean translators. Thank you Okto, without you, I would be completely ruined!.....AND SO WILL DODE!! xDDD
Happy New Year my darlings! I had such a fun time criticizing and mocking the Singapore Countdown performance at Marina Bay! xD Local celebrities made me wonder if it was even vaguely possible for talent scouts to enter Singapore without getting frightened off.
And because I'm feeling rather happy of the end of this disastrous year 2008, I am much obliged to verbally describe the very horrifying, yet surprisingly amusing music performance by Carlsberg's Health ambassador. One thing hun, drinking alcohol and designating yourself as a Health ambassador calls for quite a dramatic irony, don't you think?
So there she was, screaming away in the microphone with a very disturbing rendition and desperate attempt to actually dance without violently shaking her boobs. The guys in the front row were most probably drooling.
Miss Singapore pageant runner-up was no better either. Mag said she had tree trunks for legs. I couldn't agree more.
So that was how I spent my last few minutes of year 2008. Enjoyable, don't you think?
And goodness sake! Tay PH, I actually liked that song, you idiot! You've completely ruined a perfectly heartwarming song with your pathetic, totally out-of-tune singing!
Sister: Are you sure he's actually singing? Me: Yes, that's his voice, I think. Sister: His English so good meh? Me: He graduated from a university you know. Sister: Yeah, but it still doesn't mean he has good English! Me: Doesn't it count from the fact that he passed GP? =.=" Sister: ........
I also enjoyed the fact that Singaporeans are so hopelessly mundane and dispirited, refusing to cheer for the performance (though I can obviously see why) and wearing stoned expression on their faces. Way to go, Singapore, way to show your enthusiasm for year 2009!
The fireworks display was quite an epic ending to the lifeless crowd. And the emo background songs, let's not forget about them.